Recently, well over the last 15 months of my life, it has felt like I've been living in a giant valley... one that has small peaks, flat portions, but are all in a giant valley.
As you may know, all the swelling issues we've had with Carson's shunt seem now resolved (hallelujah!). AND his infantile spasms have not come back (hallelujah, hallelujah!). Two very hard issues we were struggling through and now they are both "resolved". What a relief! What a blessing! Two awesome peaks!!!!
A friend asked me, "now do you feel like you can breath?". I told her yes, but the truth is no. It seems like when we think things are evening out, that our path may actually be a "flat road", we find ourselves still in the valley... that those flat roads of "normalcy" are just flat roads inside the valley.
Right now we are facing a new challenge, a new low valley point... Carson's head shape is very long, narrow and crooked (many reasons that have contributed to it) but a few months ago, we learned a new big and scary word - Craniosynostosis. What is Craniosynostosis (other than a word that is very hard to pronounce)? In an infant, the skull is not a solid piece of bone, but several boney plates separated by fibrous sutures. These sutures allow the skull to expand as the brain grows, and will eventually fuse to form a solid skull. Craniosynostosis is a condition in which one or more of these sutures fuse prematurely, causing restricted skull and brain growth. Carson's particular craniosynostosis is of the sagittal suture. It is the bone line/suture that runs from the front of the head, to the back.The most common treatment is surgery performed by a neurosurgeon and craniofacial surgeon. There are three goals in surgery; open up the fused sutures to allow room for normal skull and brain growth, relieve any pressure that may be on the brain, and give the head a more normal appearance.
Because of Carson's VP shunt for his hydrocephalus, the surgeons did not feel Carson's protruding forehead was "bad enough" to warranty surgery (the hydrocephalus causes added surgical concerns). So we decided to just watch and wait.
Over the last month, we have noted noticeable changes to his head shape, cheek, forehead and ear placement. We have an appointment with both Neurosurgery and Craniofacial in October. I am very eager for this appointment!
I am really struggling with this... I feel very low in a valley...
I keep asking myself WHY does this issue feel different then all the others that we've gone through. I have come to this conclusion: because it's External. I realize that all of Carson's other issues are internal - inside his brain and body... inside places that we cannot see without fancy EEG machines, MRIs, and CTs. My sweet husband keeps reminding me that no matter how overwhelmed, sad or antsy I feel - nothing it going to change the situation right now. He is encouraging me to just breath and release - and then meet with the Doctors in a few weeks and go from there.
So...... in the valley I seem to remain.
But, even in the valley, I also feel like I'm on a huge peak! Probably the largest peak in this valley... Carson is turning 1 YEAR OLD in 8 days!!! I cannot believe it! Where did a year go? How has it only been a year? How amazing and awesome is my son?!?!
Wow. So for now, I am going to enjoy this peak amongst the valley... and praying that someday I'll see the flat road and the peaks outside the valley again. God is faithful. God is constant. God seems to continually hold my hand, flat road, peaks, valleys and all.
I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
Psalm 121:1-2
As I sink in despair, my spirit ebbing away, you know how I'm feeling. Know the danger I'm in, the traps hidden in my path. Look right, look left— there's not a soul who cares what happens! I'm up against it, with no exit— bereft, left alone. I cry out, God, call out: 'You're my last chance, my only hope for life!' Oh listen, please listen; I've never been this low. Rescue me from those who are hunting me down; I'm no match for them. Get me out of this dungeon so I can thank you in public. Your people will form a circle around me and you'll bring me showers of blessing!"
Psalm 142:5-7
