Tonight I was trying to remember Carson's first week of life... we spent that time at the NICU at Providence Hospital. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days following my c-section and then spent the rest of the week in a family sleeping room on the same floor as the NICU. One day, Kevin and I had a meeting with Carson's neonatologist Dr Knox, a nurse, a social worker and another person whose role I don't recall. During that meeting, we were told that as 'well' as Carson had been doing, because of different problems with his breathing, carbon dioxide levels, and just the amount of brain damage he suffered, they didn't expect him to live long. They were recommending we go home on hospice care, and just enjoy every minute we had with him. After that, we met with a wonderful pediatric hospice care provider Judy, and made arrangements to go home. We stayed in the NICU for a couple more days after that meeting.
It is hard to recall fully all the discussions and decisions Kevin and I had to make after that meeting. I know at some point we had to discuss whether or not we would call 911, if Carson stopped breathing. We had to discuss what forms of resuscitation and life-saving efforts we would allow to help save him. We had to discuss whether to keep morphine in the home for our nurse to administer when Carson would be at a place of just needing pain management. I had a piece of paper next to my bed, where I had to jot down 'thoughts' and 'wishes' of a funeral for him.
Tonight I recalled a lot of those discussions... it seems like so long ago, and yet feels like just yesterday. Tonight I sit here watching the baby monitor... watching my son, sound asleep in his bed. Cannot believe in less than a month, we are going to be celebrating his 2nd birthday!!! Now, nearly two years later, our discussions have turned from resuscitation and morphine, to preschool, a bigger changing table and what sounds he is going to make next!
Sometimes in life, we are hit hard and have to hold discussions we never thought we'd ever have to... sometimes we have to make tough decisions, without knowing which way life was going to play out.
I think about how God says that He has plans and a purpose for each one of us... yet, we don't know what journeys, trials and hardships that will entail. Bad things happen in this natural life, in our broken human state and in our sin-filled world... people die, our bodies get sick, people are abused and abandoned, we are betrayed and beat down, we lose, we fall... and sometimes it is hard to know what 'plan and a purpose' God has for us in all of that.
But then God reminds me through my memories of Carson's first week through now - - - that even when things are hazy, confusing, hard, heartbreaking - He will see us through - He will bring us along our journey - He will use all of the 'stuff' as part of our plan and purpose. I just hope that this blog post will remind me during the hard times - that there can always be a 'two years down the road' in the situation... that what seems unbearable and earth shattering in the moment, that God will someday bring me to a place of looking back and remembering that His compassion's are new every morning! Great is His faithfulness!
God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
~Lamentations 3:22-24 MSG~
