Who Needs More Strength?

Today I had to ask myself... does Carson need more strength, or do I? 

Carson's physical therapy can be a struggle for me....

Some exercises we do are "simple"... Carson sitting in his bumbo and playing in his exersaucer strengthen his back and neck; sitting on my legs with little holding helps with his strength and his balance; stretching out his left hand that stays fisted. 

Then other exercises, I struggle with.  Right now, some of the things we are concentrating on, is getting him use to bearing weight into his legs (as he does not do that on his own at all) and getting him used to the feeling of crawling and bearing weight into his knees and arms.  Both of these take a lot of strength and perseverance from dear ol' mom.

Carson during tummy time

Today's "work out" was extremely hard for me.... physically and emotionally.  Carson is getting a lot more comfortable working on standing (he leans onto the couch and I keep his knees locked and hips aligned).  But it takes a lot of back strength and arm strength from me to keep him in proper position and because I'm sitting on my knees, trying not to let my legs go to sleep... all the while making sure he is aligned, comfortable and working.  

Carson's first time in front of cart...

Then I decided to have us work on crawling... try having only two arms and doing the following.... supporting his body from underneath him, keeping both his legs under him, locking both elbows on each of his arms to get him to bear weight into them - all the while keeping yourself from falling over.  AND THEN ADD a screaming, very upset baby to the mix.  Once we were done with the "torture" and I picked him up for a cuddle and rest time, I began to sob... all I could say was "Carson, I am so sorry".  I am so sorry that because of injuries to your brain, "simple" things that other babies can do, are such a struggle for him... that the "step" of sitting up, pushing up onto arms while on the tummy, holding head upright for a long period of time while sitting, sitting in the front of a shopping cart, crawling, rolling over, even using his vision for longer periods of time......... all of it is so challenging for him... exhausting.

And how challenging and exhausting is it for me, trying to push him to do these things...... and yet that's my job.... no one else is going to do it..... because of his visual impairment, he is not motivated by sight the way all other babies are.... so what motivates him?  It's my persistence, perseverance, motivation and cheering.... some days like today, I wonder if I have it in me to be that cheerleader, coach and trainer.

So especially after today's session, I had to ask myself.... is it Carson or I that need more strength?  Lord, help us both!