Coloring and Avoidance and Coping, Oh My!

Coping versus Avoidance... is there a difference?  I think for me, sometimes avoidance IS my coping response to some areas of stress in my life... and I'm not happy with it.

27 weeks, 5 days ~ 7.9.10

The day we found out about Carson's brain injuries, along with a lot of crying and praying, I pulled out one of Adrianna's coloring books and crayons, and started coloring.  I colored for hours that day.  For about two weeks after, I colored in a coloring book, every single day.  I even went out and purchased a jumbo sized box of coloring crayons (the packet of 10 crayons that Adrianna had did not give me enough "range" in my art - haha).  

I often think back to my obsession with coloring.  I realize now, I colored because it was helping me "cope".  The coloring books are filled with pages with defined edges and images - borders and boundaries.  I could color inside the lines, create beautiful color arrays... the way I made the page look, was in my control.  I could color a teddy bear pink and green and a tree orange and purple.  I could take what is "normal and real" (ie: a green and brown tree) and make it different (an orange and purple tree).

During that time, I used coloring to help me cope with the fact that what was "real" in my life, was a baby whose life and health were out of my control.  I colored to help take my mind off of the searing pain, agony and fear that wanted to swallow me hole.  Coloring helped me cope during that time... a healthy alternative to other things I could have done.

Wendy (my bio-mother)

Then, there are times I use "avoidance" to help me cope with stressful situations.  Very recently, I connected with my birth parents.  I was adopted as a newborn.  My biological mother was 16 and my bio dad was 20.  It has been an absolutely surreal experience connecting with them, learning about them and their extended families.  Facebook and letters have been a God-send in getting to know these people that I am DNA related to (until I had Adrianna, I knew no one in my life with the same blood DNA... didn't matter at all with my family, but it was amazing when that realization hit). 

Morris (my bio-father)

Just this last week, my birth father asked to meet me and my family.  Wow.  Kevin asked me what I was thinking about that.  I guess I started in about "oh yeah, I think we'll meet at some point, but right now, things are very chaotic and busy... it'll probably happen at some point down the road.".  My darling husband who knows me so well said, "Um, what does that really mean?".  I had to take some time to think through why I was using such vague wording, in something so major and important.  I realized that by saying these vague words, I was avoiding having to make a decision... a decision so huge, so amazing, yet stressful.  If I used those vague words, I could avoid making a decision, avoid having to let my guard down and begin a relationship that is unknown, out of my control, "unplanned".

After much thought and hashing out my feelings, I realized that YES, I want to take the leap and meet my bio-father and his lovely wife (which will happen end of April I think)  :0)  But I realized, it was such an easy thing for me to "avoid" something stressful (the stress from pursuing something unknown, not the situation or the persons involved).  It seemed that using avoidance-wording came just as naturally to me as coloring.

Here's to continuing to let God teach me to cope with color, instead of hiding behind avoidance and vagueness!